Sadness

I’ve been sad for about two weeks.

When I say I’m sad, please know that it does not mean I am in absence of happiness. There is happiness here. It just has a very short half-life.

The sadness lives in a little tiny circle that is under my skin. It’s like a bruise. Right now it’s sitting off on my right side between my seventh and eight rib.

I’ve been sad for about two weeks.

That’s long enough to die of dehydration four times over.

The sadness comes and goes, and the happiness comes and goes, and there’s this emptiness that sits underneath it.

People aren’t talking to me too much because of how stressed we all are. Finals. But when they do talk to me, their words ping off like stones on a frozen lake.

Hi.

Ping.

How are you?

Ping, ping, ping.

I have the scrape the words out of the back of my throat and my chest because they’re stuck.

Words like “I’m fine” are all glued up with words like “My dog just had chemo,” or “my hypokalemia isn’t better” or “my really depressed friend isn’t responding to my text messages” or “my migraines are back” or “the insomnia’s worse and what do I do?”

They’re all stuck, and no one in the hallway has time for the conversation that entails.

I haven’t checked my email in a couple days.

~~~

I just checked my email.

There is nothing there.

~~~
My friend has depression issues and migraine issues and anxiety issues. I text her most days that she doesn’t come to school.

She hasn’t said anything lately.

I’m losing sleep.

The last time I saw her, she was crying.

~~~

More then most things, I’m scared that my finals won’t have gone well and my colleges who have already accepted me will un-accept me.

Rejection.

I don’t want that.

~~~

My dog’s veterinarian said his tumors are shrinking.

In the same breath she said that it still won’t save him.

My dog looked up with those big eyes because he heard his name, and I started to cry again.

I’m not so good at this.

~~~

The little things are making me happy.

Today I saw a robin.

I froze in the middle of the sidewalk and breathed through my nose. I have a cold, so it was still loud, but it stayed.

Robins are pretty birds.

~~~

Today I finished my finals.

I fell asleep when I came home.

I’ve had four cups of tea and I’m making another.

I like tea.

~~~

My lips are dry.

Now that I’ve slept, my head hurts less and I don’t feel like crying.

~~~

I haven’t been writing.

I’m sorry for that.

~~~

This isn’t really great writing.

I’m sorry for that too.

~~~

There’s a scale in my head.

There’s a happy side, and there’s a sad side.

The sad side is very heavy, but when I write the words fall off and make it less heavy.

~~~

Today I’m getting happy.

Today my dog ate all his meals.

Today I took the rest of my finals.

Today I wore my favorite socks and my shoes felt only a little too-big and we’re getting new jeans because these ones have a hole.

~~~

Today I am being happy.

Tomorrow I’ll be happier.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll see a robin.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll see a phoenix.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll see a dragon.

Maybe tomorrow the bruise will move to my leg or behind my knee.

Or maybe it won’t come back at all.