Synesthi

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Count by Synesthi, literature

Literature

Count

I didn't cry when my grandmother died, though I cried two weeks later, supposedly about critiques to a manuscript but it was about her I know it was about her And now, four months after the manuscript and my grandmother, I haven't cried since. I'm a crier by nature, by blood. I don't scream, don't shout, don't yell don't curse, it's for someone else and not for me What about when nature fails when the water dries into creek bed when my eyes burn with medication run-off and my throat tastes like shame. At night I count the people I miss, on fingers on hands on feet, on strands of hair and scars and ceiling-stars, count the things unsaid, count the things unshed. During the day I count the cups of tea I drink, the pills I take at night, the miles I run the hours of sun, count the things unsaid,

Unconcluded by Synesthi, literature

Literature

Unconcluded

i I hope you know that I’m sorry For the times I’ve been too much The times I wasn’t enough The moments that blur between Not enough Meghan Too much Meghan I hope you know And I hope you know that it’s not Your fault that I’m hard to talk to I hope you know I hope you know I hope you know But I also hope you know That I miss you. God I miss you God I miss you, miss you and miss The me I was when I wasn’t so heavy I don’t blame you I hope you know. ii I don’t want to be alive But I don’t want to hurt anyone. I’m not living but I’m not hurting anyone. I think my room constricts like a side stitch. One day I won’t be alive one day I won’t hurt anyone. iii The man at the corner of university and 4th looks like him above the mask and he looks at me and I forget where I am or who I am or why I am for a while don’t know how long don’t know how long long long long do know I got on the bus do know I got my phone out of my pocket, I wore shorts, god why did I wear shorts you know

I loved it, it wasn't mine by Synesthi, literature

Literature

I loved it, it wasn't mine

When it happened, when he went to kiss a mouth that didn't want to be kissed, dug nails into skin that boiled under his sweaty, demanding fingertips-- there was a sacred two-or-so weeks when I could have all the screaming I wanted. But my throat was raw and my tongue was bit and I bruised black-blue, heavy fingerprints and nail streaks down pale skin. Some were mine and some were his, defensive wound against offensive memory, but the nerve receptors saw no different, it's all the same when it's sensation, sore and scarred, rough and raw to the touch. And it turns out sometimes you're not ready to scream, I wasn't ready to but god I grew into it, like broken eggshells scattered among pecking, greedy chicks, I grew into a voice. But too late then, the school was made of brick and New-England polish and I didn't have long enough nails to claw past the veneer so I bit down on bitten-down tongue and I swallowed. Swallow, swallow, regurgitate - pieces of a story I didn't write

Quarantine by Synesthi, literature

Literature

Quarantine

Heavy and hopeless and pulse-like, thudding wide-open windows to empty streets. Bike wheels roll and hiss over dry, warm asphalt, I've been here a month and I never should have been here at all. Nearly one-dozen telehealth therapy calls in the name of not-getting-worse because getting better over phone is a pipe dream, can't smoke with the virus, it'll eat your damn lungs. I could leave the door unlocked, if I wanted to, no one would touch our doorknob, we could be sick, you know, we could be sick. Daily walks or runs outside, a fugitive stealing fresh air I am not entitled too, I always knew I was dirty, I always knew strangers could hu

Men That Try to Own You by Synesthi, literature

Literature

Men That Try to Own You

>> She breaks them apart two days into his deployment, tells me in the kitchen while she eats and I sit tilted against the counter. Tells me he loved her too much. I tell her I know. She tells me that some people love you too hard, want so much in return. I tell her I know. Some men will try to own you. There aren't words for glad he didn't or glad you did before he did it, before he hit you She tells me a few days later, half-drunk on not-being-owned in the doorway that he was planning to propose. She's lightheaded-giggly as she says she would have said yes, I tell her I know. I tell her I'm glad she won't and she laughs, says she

Nonnie and the Old House by Synesthi, literature

Literature

Nonnie and the Old House

When I was young, the Old House in Cottonwood wasn't the Old House because it was the only house. It had belonged to my Nonnie, after her divorce from her first husband, and her two children. It was the house my father visited when his father and Nonnie began their relationship, the house he found boring and small. The Old House, before it was Old, smelled permanently of slight sage and warm rocks. It was high-desert hot or freezing, with no in between. The New House was built when I was around eight. I woke up in it for the first time when I was around that age, having fallen asleep during the hours-long drive between Phoenix and Cottonwood

In the Kitchen, With the Bleeding by Synesthi, literature

Discomfort by Synesthi, literature

Literature

Discomfort

Discomfort is familiar, discomfort is comforting, fingers wound up in teeth, brain circling identity like strangers in a too-small room discomfort is this, the feeling is reaching out between arms to grab ankles, backwards- flipping somersaults, didn't your mother teach you that living means being in pain? It should be more than this, that's what's uncomfortable, that's what feels spelled out in the space between words, the world was not supposed to buck and roll, marbles upturned on the desk of someone who does not pay attention You were meant to be more than this and that's what's so painful, in a universe of stardust and the

brain like a looping miscalculation by Synesthi, literature

Literature

brain like a looping miscalculation

you are a pathetic excuse for a person, aren't you, the weeds grow taller and you lie broken, like a toy brain like a looping miscalculation, you're not sick enough for help but not well enough to be you are a pathetic mistake, aren't you, if you could make it two months then why come limping at all systemic malfuctions and malformations you are a piece of the universe, corrupted there is water damage in the finer workings of speech centers, you are one-half shock value and one-third spectacle the rest lies undefined vitamins in bottles and pathetic remains, if you were worth loving once then you have forgotten it retrograde amnesia p

Binge sleep by Synesthi, literature

Literature

Binge sleep

Lifelong insomnia means sleep when you can, means sleep when you do. Means falling asleep with your shoes on and your head at the wrong foot of the bed, arms and legs falling off the edge because you sat down for a second and it hit. Means fifteen hours of sleep in ten days and then 21 hours straight, clumsy light through bedroom windows. Binge sleep. The body takes what it will. When it rains, it pours. Wake up feeling groggy and half dead, have to hold onto the side of the counter when you use the toilet. Dry mouth. Choking down a dose of medication because you missed the last dose, you slept through it. Staring at the sky trying to figure

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Count by Synesthi, literature

Literature

Count

Unconcluded by Synesthi, literature

Literature

Unconcluded

I loved it, it wasn't mine by Synesthi, literature

Literature

I loved it, it wasn't mine

Quarantine by Synesthi, literature

Literature

Quarantine

Men That Try to Own You by Synesthi, literature

Literature

Men That Try to Own You

Nonnie and the Old House by Synesthi, literature

Literature

Nonnie and the Old House

In the Kitchen, With the Bleeding by Synesthi, literature

Discomfort by Synesthi, literature

Literature

Discomfort

brain like a looping miscalculation by Synesthi, literature

Literature

brain like a looping miscalculation

Binge sleep by Synesthi, literature

Literature

Binge sleep

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Note to Self by hopeburnsblue, literature

canopy and cage by Aquarius-Claire, literature

Literature

canopy and cage

the sand paints a cleft into my back and the sky can tell i am not listening. i wish i could be anywhere else. i wish i could be underwater. the amber horizon loosens itself, the daylight is approaching, i am no nearer to where i needed to be than i was when the night came, i am no nearer to where i needed to be but there is something stirring in the cavity of my chest, a cancer perhaps or maybe just a call to arms. the madness is coming. small cells bewilder at its approach. the blood beats itself into my fingers. the body hums and runs. i am not new to it. the madness, not the body. i am very new to the body. i have swallowed the chaos be

Depression (in Eight Parts) by tinkertype, literature

Literature

Depression (in Eight Parts)

I. I took a walk once, and Depression walked alongside me. "I want to be alone," I told him. "I know," he replied, "Why do you think I'm here?" II. "I have a plan," Depression said to me. "Not today," I said. "I'm tired." He frowned and asked, "How did you know my plan?" III. I gave the weekend over to Depression but he took three days instead of two. "Think of it as an investment," he said. "And maybe I'll let you have a Friday night without regrets." IV. Fallen to the floor I look up and see he's smiling at me. "You know what they say about old dogs." He's doing this on purpose, I know he is- and it's working. "They can't l

120 Seconds - Results!! by BurdenedHearts, journal

120 Seconds - Results!!

Mar 9, 2014

Winners and the results are finally in! Thanks to everyone who entered this competition was hard work to run and judge but totally worth it to hear people talking passionately about things they care about! The winners are... In the GLOBAL category... FIRST PLACE Synesthi (https://www.deviantart.com/synesthi)'s speech :thumb427855980: SECOND PLACE Pepper-the-phoenix (https://www.deviantart.com/pepper-the-phoenix)'s speech :thumb430829141: THIRD PLACE DamonWakes (https://www.deviantart.com/damonwakes)' speech :thumb430637761: HONOURABLE MENTIONS (no prize) camelopardalisinblue (https://www.deviantart.com/camelopardalisinblue)'s speech :thumb427651849: 91816119 (https://www.deviantart.com/91816119)'s speech :thumb429728526: Beyond-An-Anomaly (https://www.deviantart.com/beyond-an-anomaly)'s speech :thumb430274564: In the PERSONAL category... FIRST PLACE Sammur-amat (https://www.deviantart.com/sammur-amat)'s speech :thu

Words like wings by GentlemanAnachronism, literature

Literature

Words like wings

I caught a bird, the other day. Opened my window, leaned out, and there it was, right in front of me. Almost like it wanted to be grabbed. Strange little thing, all bones and breath and that frightened heartbeat thudding against my fingers - and warm, warm as blood. I cradled it in my hands and, fingers cupped tight around it, pulled my arms back in and tugged the window closed with my elbow. Not locked, mind you - just closed enough it wouldn't fly away the moment I let it go. Not before I'd had a chance to look at it, anyway. I sat down, back against the wall. Opened my hands. The bird stood there, balanced on the platform of my overlapp

The Truth-Telling Song by Synesthi, literature

Literature

The Truth-Telling Song

I'm not going to lie, Last night I got lost in a room. I'm not going to lie, I left and I won't be back soon. My mind went too far, and the walls went too close. Sorry, I just had to go. This floor is too hard and my voice has dried up, I can't give you what I don't know. I'm not going to lie, I miss hearing me speak. I'm not going to lie, I'm sorry you damned up my creek. But the words are gone, shut in boxes and sent away. No one would listen, they dried up, what else was I going to say? I'm not going to lie, last night I got lost in a room. I'm not going to lie, because I'm not coming anytime soon. It's too cold to breathe, but t

Undiscovered Gems (20) by betwixtthepages, journal

Undiscovered Gems (20)

Aug 5, 2013

Yes, I've gone and done it again! As if I'm not busy enough with A Call to Conversation anddA Roadtrip articles, I'm bringing you ANOTHER one! With the launch of the "Undiscovered" browsing option, there are a TON of awesome artworks I've been finding and admiring, and I just have to share them with you guys. I WILL be taking suggestions for this series, as well, so if you discover something while browsing the bowels of dA that you think needs to be shared, please send me ( =TwilightPoetess ) a note titled Undiscovered Gems. ----- Undiscovered Gems (20) with suggestions from LionesseRampant (https://www.deviantart.com/lionesserampant) today's theme: emotions ----- I hope you fo

The Price of Dying by Clevina, literature

Literature

The Price of Dying

“I want to be interred after I die,” Mr. Peters said. He made that clear to his family while he was still lucid, before old age and illness rendered him unintelligible. Seventy wasn’t that old, but he recognized the symptoms that were creeping up on his ailing body – the aches, the fatigue, the feeling of helplessness and despair. Despite his daughter’s attempts to assuage his concerns, he sensed his own mortality. The worst part about dying, Mr. Peters thought, was what happened afterwards. Even since he was a small boy, he had been afraid of fire. He could never forget the scorching heat of the orange fla

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crawl backwards, die slowly by Synesthi, literature

Literature

crawl backwards, die slowly

It hurts but that's okay. One finger under the receiver and two behind the battery pack and it hurts coming out but thank you, it's over, thank you. Conscious and active effort to untie bound muscles in neck in shoulders in chest, did you know you tense the muscles at your sternum to hear the low sounds did you know And the pain's not over, it won't be but they're out, they're out. In your hands they look like nothing, pull out the battery so it doesn't drain and put them in the case. You will never be worth as much as you were before you broke. It takes a few seconds longer to put them away than it should, staring at the case I hate

crawl backwards, die slowly

Synesthi

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About Synesthi

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May 23, 1995
United States
Deviant for 11 years
She / Her

Badges

birthdAy '13: Celebrated lucky birthday #13

My Bio

I am a Synesthete (the term for someone who has synesthesia) and enjoy writing (prose and poetry), long-distance running, and playing music. My username is another (less formal) term for someone with synesthesia.

Favourite Books

The Book Thief, London Calling, The Lord of the Rings, Jane Eyre, Wuthering Heights, Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensability

Favourite Writers

Jane Austin, Emily Bronte, Charlotte Bronte, Markus Zusak, Edgar Allen Poe

Tools of the Trade

Pencil, Paper, USB drive, synesthesia

Other Interests

Long-Distance Running

Posts

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Synesthi

Apr 29, 2020

Absent

0 min read

I don't really think I belong here anymore. So much changed. The people I knew are gone and I don't feel like I produce much worth saying. But I miss it in a weird way that's hard to fully explain, so I stop in from time to time. Occasionally I have something I still want to put down. So if you're seeing this, hi <3 Take care out there.

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Synesthi

Sep 16, 2018

Halfway an apology

0 min read

I have a lot of regrets. But I also have a lot of wishes, a lot of times I wish other people had said things, done things differently. But you can't regret on the behalf of another, not without presupposing a few things, so I call them wishes. They stack up in me like dominos waiting to fall and take me with them. I've waited for them to fall and edged around them and held my breath. The end is coming with the inevitable entropy of the universe but why hasten destruction. But that's stupid. Let it fall. Give up, watch them tumble. Nothing I do matters. The best thing I can do is to not do anything. I'm going to have a lot of regrets forev

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Synesthi

Jun 26, 2018

Hi

0 min read

Previous journal entry had been up long enough, so here's a refresher. I am: a grad student in her early twenties who is actively pursuing research surrounding sign languagea Deaf person (with the 'D' indicating cultural ties, significance, and a feeling of pride surrounding my identity)a seven-time finisher of NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month), as of November 2017 ('Wall Talk').a synesthete (grapheme, OLP, and some chromesthesia sound -> color, but the hearing loss really doesn't work with me there). I've participated in a couple studies on synesthesia, including the MPI genetics study in fall 2014a runner (focusing on long dista